On the Lighter Side – Jokes

Laughing BeaverHere are some Jokes and funny things I got in my Emails

Idiosyncrasies of English

-A woman went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

– What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Subject: Tech update

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, this operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Quantas gripe sheet

It takes a college degree to fly an air plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of you who fly routinely in your jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe Sheet”which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked With a P);

And the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an Accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ………….
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Now it is your turn.

Leave a comment (with a joke?)

Share this!

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “On the Lighter Side – Jokes”

  1. Yorinda,

    very funny, brightened up my day. Gave me a good laugh.

    Its nice not to take live not so serious.
    Would be great to have all gripe sheets funny like that.

    Thanks
    Caryn

    Like

  2. There was a small charter plane with a Pilot, Preacher, the Smartest Man in the world and a Boy Scout on board.

    The Pilot rushes out and grabs a parachute and says; “The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachute. “I have a wife and 6 children. I have to take one of the parachutes.” and with that he jumps out.

    The Smartest Man in the world says, “I am sorry but the knowledge in my brain is so important to mankind that I have to be next.” And he jumps.

    This leaves the Boy Scout and the Preacher. The Preacher says “I know God is not finished with me yet and so…”

    The Boy Scout interrupts: “Don’t worry preacher. The Smartest Man in the world just jumped out of the plane with by backpack.

    Like

  3. Next time an air attendant (aka hostie!) says “you for coffee” with a slight smirk – consider that may not be her actual intended meaning! – Courtesy of my step daughter who is an air hostie- !!

    Keep smiling :-)+><

    Like

  4. Yorinda,

    Too funny!! Thanks for the laugh… after all, laughter is the best medicine.

    Here’s our contribution:

    A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”

    Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”

    Man: “What covers a house?”
    Dog: “Roof!”

    Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”
    Dog: “Rough!”

    Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”
    Dog: “Ruth!”

    Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”

    The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”

    Thanks,
    ~ Pat and Lorna
    http://TheCoolestCouple.com

    Like

  5. Hi Yorinda,

    This is exactly what I needed tonight – a really good bout of laughter! I think everyone should have a list like this in their possession. I especially liked… all of it… they all made me laugh and it was fun to take the time away from ‘work’, be less serious, and relax with a hearty bit of laughter! Thanks for sharing this post.

    Like

  6. Hi Yorinda,

    Ah my fav has to be the gripe sheet… I spend a lot of time with engineers and most definitely the majorit seem to have this sense of humour!

    Thank you for the giggles! Here’s a bit of British ‘humour’

    Emma 🙂

    Now here is a letter to the Prime Minister Of England but it could also work in other countries but I think most other countries are not as bad:

    Dear Mr. Cameron,

    Please find below our suggestion for fixing England ‘s economy.

    Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

    You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

    There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

    Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

    1) They MUST retire.

    Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed

    2) They MUST buy a new British car.

    Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed

    3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage –

    Housing Crisis fixed

    4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university –

    Crime rate fixed

    5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ……

    and there’s your money back in duty/tax etc

    6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.

    It can’t get any easier than that!

    P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

    If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

    If not, please disregard.

    Grumpies of the World Unite

    Also………..

    Let’s put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

    This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

    They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.

    They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

    Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

    A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

    They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

    They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.

    Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.

    Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

    Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

    There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

    The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

    Think about this (more points of contention):

    ————————————————————————

    COWS

    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?

    And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

    ————————————————————————

    THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. Why don’t we just give them ours?

    It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we’re not using it anymore.

    ————————————————————————

    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

    The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this –

    You cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians….. It creates a hostile work environment.

    ————————————————————————

    Also;

    Think about this ….. If you don’t want to forward this for fear of offending someone — YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

    Like

  7. Good ones Yorinda! Here’s my contributin to the aeroplane jokes

    “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
    belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
    the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s