On the Lighter Side – Jokes

Here are some Jokes and funny things I got in my Emails

Idiosyncrasies of English

-A woman went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

– What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Subject: Tech update

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, this operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Quantas gripe sheet

It takes a college degree to fly an air plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of you who fly routinely in your jobs.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe Sheet”which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The Mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked With a P);

And the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an Accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last ………….
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Now it is your turn.

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